Reality in Love

“  . . . for better, for worse, in sickess, and in health . . . “  Remember those words from your or a friend’s wedding?  They are full of promise; full of the expectation that the one we love and who we believe loves us will always be in our lives.  Not so.  The divorce rate among partners where one of the members is chronically ill is 75%.  Why?  Because for the chronically ill the burden of failing to meet their partners’ expectations is overwhelming.  For the partner of the chronically ill, it is a huge responsibility that wears upon their feelings of love, regardless of how much they do love the chronically ill person.
In all marriages, of course, both partners will eventually go on to develop health problems.  But when one partner develops a chronic, debilitating illness in their 40’s-60’s, it can create in the other partner a feeling of having been cheated out of the rosy future that was imagined by both partners when the marriage was formed.
All marriages are formed in the expectation of a rosy future.   Imagine how difficult it must be when one, or even both, partners go on to develop a chronic illness.  Dreams are lost, expectations are dashed, and the future is made unsure.  Imagine even more when one of the partners develops an illness that seems to be physically invisible to the other partner.  This is the case when a partner develops an autoimmune disease which does not readily display its physical effects.  The healthy partner may feel that their ill partner is just being a faker or manipulator.  The healthy spouse may feel an incredibly difficult burden to ‘fix’ their newly-chronically ill partner.  They may feel that they have an unfair percentage of housework, childcare, financial, or other burdens has been placed upon them due to their partner’s dubious illness.  The ill partner may feel a continuous need to pretend that they are not ill, that they can indeed fulfill their healthy partner’s expectations, and this can lead to both partners failing to really understand the others’ needs.  Both partners feel that they must be ‘on’ for their partner, regardless of their real feelings.  The healthy partner may feel that they must put in extra hours to manage the home, finances, children, etc., while the ill partner may assume an unfair burden of guilt for an illness over which they have no control.
Will the partnership survive?  75% of these partnerships fail.  Feelings of frustration, guilt, anger, and more quickly destroy any love that was present at the beginning of the partnership.  The partners think first of their own needs first and fail to understand the needs of the other partner.  Most marriages begin with feelings of hope in the future.  Couples meet, plan futures, marry and share family events, perhaps have children, celebrate holidays together, etc.  Then one day one of the partners suddenly becomes chronically ill.  The words ‘in sickness and in health’ become very real.  The couple, who once thought nothing of late-night dates, drinks after dinner, dancing until dawn, finds that activities must end as early as dinnertime for the newly-chronically ill partner.  Parties are no longer possible if they extend beyond dinnertime.  Evening activities with family members must be handled by the well partner only.  Depending on the previously negotiated separation of partnership responsibilities, the well partner may suddenly find that responsibilities assigned to the newly-chronically ill partner are no longer being handled in a timely manner; bills are not being paid on time, grocery shopping trips must be postponed, laundry is not done in a timely manner, etc.  The well partner begins to complain to the chronically ill partner about his/her lack of meeting their understood duties of the relationship, the ill partner’s self-esteem plummets, aggravating the already negative situation.
Frequently the newly-chronically ill partner begins a huge learning curve to understand their illness(es), while the well partner still is not convinced that the ill partner is actually ‘that’ ill.  Fatigue limits activities, weight gain and fatigue limit intimate moments between the partners, and side-effects of necessary medications or surgeries may cause unattractive weight gain or other health issues that the well partner may find unattractive.
The well partner feels an unfair burden of financially providing for the family while the newly-chronically ill partner ‘sits on their butt all day at home.’  Frustrations build, anger flares, and soon the formerly happy couple is in trouble.
Can these issues be resolved and can the marriage be saved?  There is a slight 25% chance.  What to do if the partners decide that the marriage should be dissolved in order for the partners to individually pursue their best futures?  Or perhaps the well partner may decide to ‘explore their options’ by taking a work assignment out of state or country, taking on an extra-marital lover, or otherwise stretching the bonds of the marriage.  He/she may explore options for a new future or a revised plan for the existing future with their newly-chronically ill partner.
All the while, the newly-chronically ill partner may decide that it is futile to try to save the deteriorating marriage, may withdraw even further into a depressed mindset.   He/she may fail to thrive, may cut off contact with family and friends, and may even contemplate suicide because of overwhelming feelings of guilt and frustration.
It is very important that all partnerships wherein one or more of the partners become newly-chronically ill engage in professional counseling.   The goal of the counseling need not be pre-determined but must be open-ended and at the end of the counseling hopefully both partners will have a better vision of their personal, and the partnerships’ future.